The Great Philadelphia Crime Tour

Yo, this also works in Chicago, New York, Miami and other cities. Anyplace with a rich legacy of dastardly illegalities. Forget those namby-pamby horsebleep-and-buggy rides. Instead, get into a long black limo that’s riddled with bullet holes. In fact, your guide, Vinnie “Oyster Crackers” Badabing, will grunt, as he waves his tommygun, “Youse’ll get in if youse knows what’s good for youse.” He’ll offer you three options: (1) The Welcome to the Gang tour, in which you get souvenir weapons. (2) The Bound and Gagged Ratfink Abduction Tour, in which you’re taken to the Godfather’s secret hideaway, and (3) The Rat-a-Tat-Tat, You’re Dead and Have to Ride in the Trunk Tour, in which, after your ritual ketchup-splashing assassination, you have to ride in the trunk. (Most people will probaby decline the latter two options.) Then it’s off on a narrated ride around town to places where alleged rubouts and capers and deals took place. Be ready, the limo is likely to get ambushed, carjacked, or busted by the cops. Of course, it all starts at the American Mob Museum (where members get to steal one souvenir per visit). Hey, Philly lost out to Cleveland for the Rock and Roll Hall, so why not make tourists a different offer they can’t refuse? Naturally, disclaimers galore: This attraction is meant to be an educational dramatic historical / anthropological presentation unintended to glorify crime or perpetuate any stereotypes. Oh, and the proprieters have to overcharge, so patrons can scream, “We was robbed!” What, too chicken to steal this for a tourist attraction? Then steal it for a screenplay!

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