Steal My Ideas, Please

Nah, just kidding about the ice. But I could arenas shows packin’ ‘em in, with police and fire re-enactments and other stunts. Hose fights! Cops & robbers re-enactments. Gun-safety tips. Good behavior messages. Then lots of life-saving, heart-pounding mayhem. Real fires? Real rescues? Famous arrests. Most Wanted rundown. Where do I get tickets?!  If not real active cops and firemen, then […]

Wonder what the top causes of death would be if listed according to ultimate responsibility. Might be something like:
1. Failure to heed advice or pay attention.
2. Reckless or careless behavior of others.
3. Enviro-social dangers and afflictions.
4. Genetic or inherently human shortcoming or weakness.
5. Malevolence and/or greed of others.
6. Plain dumb luck.

Let it be resolved: If anyone develops a sure-fire lie detector, whether an externally attached device, a drug, a form of hypnosis, a remote mind-reading scan, or a brain implant, no politician may vote to authorize its use on American citizens without first having submitted to such a lie detector and spilled every ounce of truth out of […]

Instead of executing killers, you send them to a remote island with no guards and no provisions. Good luck living off the land. Not exactly humane, but cheap. If they whack each other, well, that was meant to be their fate. If they don’t, maybe they learned something and deserve to live. Cruel and unusual punishment? No […]

Wouldn’t it be nice if politicians could pay a price for distorted campaign ads? Besides tossing them in the clink for deception (the best idea), how about you take away one vote for each time a voter might have seen that lie? One lie broadcast 50 times to 200,000 homes would be a loss of 1 million […]

To solve high-profile crimes, the FBI has decided to assign two groups with completely divergent approaches. One goes by the book, using traditional CSI-like scientific methods. The other uses ex-cons, psychics, goofballs, geeks, etc. who follow hunches and wild ideas. Sometimes the suits are right, sometimes the risk takers crack the case, but they’re always bumping […]

Seems so obvious this either already exists (Doh!) or will soon. In casual use, you could record a call to share later with a spouse or friend. There are all sorts of business and legal reasons to record a call, too. Worried about violating laws? Maybe, when you push “record,” the phone automatically asks, “Is it […]

Doh! Elementary, my dear Bart-son! Homer with pipe and deerstalker cap wandering the moors, trying to sharpen his wits by indulging in Duff beer. *Urp!* Knowing Homer, the murder victims will all turn up alive — or turn out to be murderers. His archnemesis is Mr. Burn’s brother, Maury R.T. Burns.

Yo, this also works in Chicago, New York, Miami and other cities. Anyplace with a rich legacy of dastardly illegalities. Forget those namby-pamby horsebleep-and-buggy rides. Instead, get into a long black limo that’s riddled with bullet holes. In fact, your guide, Vinnie “Oyster Crackers” Badabing, will grunt, as he waves his tommygun, “Youse’ll get in […]